


i don't want to die alone.

by thegayswillrise



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: M/M, Murphamy - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-24
Updated: 2018-10-03
Packaged: 2019-07-17 06:26:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 4,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16089914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegayswillrise/pseuds/thegayswillrise
Summary: just an angsty soulmate au.





	1. one.

bellamy stared at the words on his left wrist, the ones his soulmate would first speak to him. _touch me again, and i’ll end you._ then he glanced at the ones on his right wrist, the last ones that would be spoken. _i don’t want to die alone._ he had yet to meet his soulmate, as he hadn’t been threatened before. the professor dismissed the class, and bellamy quickly gathered his things. if he times it right, he could stop to get a coffee before his next class on the other side of campus. as he was rushing out the door, he felt himself knock someone over. he reached out to help the boy up, but was met with a glare.

“touch me again, and i’ll end you,” he spat. “...in a non criminal way.”

bellamy looked down at his left wrist, then back up at the boy on the floor. he took a few steps backwards, turned, and ran away. this had to be some kind of mistake. surely someone _else_ would threaten him... right? bellamy didn’t date boys, and he sure as hell wouldn’t date _that_ one. he was determined not to let _him_ find out they were destined to be either.


	2. two.

murphy felt himself tumble to the floor. he wasn’t hurt. but he was definitely annoyed. he saw the boy who had knocked him over about to help him up, and immediately snapped at him. he looked away from the guy, and started picking up his things. he heard the footsteps of the guy hurrying away, and he was relieved. he was most certainly _not_ in the mood to deal with anyone at the moment.

murphy never wasted time daydreaming over the words on his wrists. he had no time to focus on that “soulmate” bullshit. his left wrist merely said _hi_ , and his right had the words _i love you_. yet another lie. he didn’t believe in love, not after the way his mother had treated him. everyone always blamed the alcohol, but he never knew his sober mother. whenever she had been home, she’d been drunk. he was constantly blamed for his father’s death, and eventually he started believing her.

maybe it really _was_ his fault. maybe if he’d convinced his dad he really wasn’t that sick, his father wouldn’t have tried to steal medicine for him. maybe then his dad wouldn’t have been shot, and maybe then his dad would still be alive. and maybe his mom would’ve gotten help for her problem, and they’d be this picture perfect family that all of his classmates had had. maybe then murphy would believe that love existed and was real. maybe he’d even believe in that bullshit soulmate thing. but he doesn’t, because _he_ got sick and his dad tried to help him. and he’d never forgive himself for it.


	3. three.

bellamy knew going to his class would do no good. he couldn’t focus on anything at the moment besides the fact that his soulmate was a  _ boy _ . he was seriously starting to doubt the whole concept. he arrived at the apartment he shared with his sister, octavia. she’d already lived through the loss of her soulmate, lincoln, just months ago. lincoln had called her on the way to the apartment, and the last thing she heard before the gunshots were  _ i’ll be there soon _ , the words inked on her right wrist. he had been shot by police who “thought he had a gun.” it had been a bottle of water in his hand.

bellamy felt a wave of guilt crash over him. here he was with a soulmate the universe decided was perfect for him, and he was refusing, when his sister was left without hers. octavia had some afternoon classes, thankfully, so he was alone. he stumbled to the couch and fell asleep, only to be awoken an hour later by a knock at the door. bellamy was annoyed, but he answered anyways.

“hey bell,” clarke said when he opened the door. “you weren’t in psychology,” she noted, entering the apartment. “what’s up?”

“i’m fine, just tired,” he stated.

“yeah, okay,” clarke scoffed.

“can we not talk about this right now?”

clarke almost pushed it further, but decided to let it go. “fine, but only if you order a pizza and let me choose a movie for us to watch.”

bellamy rolled his eyes, but agreed. he called the pizza place and ordered one pepperoni pizza while clarke chose “to all the boys i loved before.”

“seriously? that cheesy teen movie again?” bellamy said, walking over to her.

“hey, don't disrespect  _ the _ lana condor like that. we're watching it, and you  _ will _ like it.”

“damn, okay, griffin."

the doorbell rang about fifteen minutes later.

“griffin, don't even  _ try _ to convince me josh was better for laura jean than peter,” he argued, opening the door. “hi,” he said, then realized who it was. murphy stood in front of bellamy, holding the pizza box. bellamy internally cursed himself for saying anything, but maybe murphy hadn't noticed. after all, he had only said  _ hi _ . as bellamy reached for the pizza, murphy caught a glimpse of the other boy's left wrist.


	4. four.

murphy let out a small laugh. “so  _ that's _ why you ran earlier. and here i was thinking i'd scared you off.”

“bellamy, how long does it take to pay for a damn pizza?” clarke asked, joining him at the door.

“i was just talking to, uh,” he looked at the nametag. “murphy. yeah, we have economics together.”

“hey, i'm clarke,” she introduced.

“and i'm murphy, this clumsy oaf's supposed 'soulmate,’” he added with a laugh.

clarke looked at bellamy, and he handed her the pizza. “i need to have a word with murphy, clarke. i'll be inside in a couple minutes. clarke hesitated, but entered the apartment again. bellamy closed the door behind her. “dude what the fuck? you can't just go around telling people we're soulmates. i'm not into guys. i'm not gay. something went wrong with this whole thing.”

“yeah, okay,” murphy said, rolling his eyes. “it's dumb as fuck, but it's never wrong.”

“well obviously it's wrong, because i'm  _ not _ gay.”

“can you just pay for the pizza, dude? i'm not getting paid to discuss your sexuality. therapists exist for a reason.”

bellamy glared at him, but fished the bills out if his pocket. murphy held out his hand, and bellamy gave him the money. “keep the changed,” he mumbled, sulking back to the door.

“you sure?” murphy asked, counting the money. the pizza had only been $7, and bellamy had given him a $20 bill.

“yeah,” he confirmed, slipping back into the apartment.


	5. five.

murphy got off work around midnight on his friday shifts. he didn’t have a place to live, so he usually slept in his car and showered in the locker rooms of the university. it worked for now, but he knew at some point his system would fail. working a minimum wage job, he really didn’t have a whole lot saved. murphy had been really thankful when bellamy tipped him so much. that was almost two hours of work in just a couple minutes.

it was one am on a saturday, and murphy wasn’t sure where to go. he was hungry, but he figured he could go a couple more hours without eating. the parking lot he usually went to had recently implemented a gate for residents only, so he had nowhere to park. after a couple more minutes of driving, he saw an open parking lot. he didn’t want to waste even more gas searching, so he pulled in and turned off the car.

he locked the doors, reclined his seat, and got some blankets from the backseat. he had a cheap flip phone and only used it for work, so it typically lasted a while. when he needed to, he’d hang out in the library to charge it. he finally fell asleep around one thirty.


	6. six.

bellamy woke up six am. it was fairly light when he finally got outside around seven. he made it to his car, only to see someone had parked way too close for him to get in. when he looked at the car, though, he noticed someone inside. upon further inspection, he saw the pizza boy from the night before —murphy—asleep. bellamy backed away from the car, deciding he could go out later, when the car was (hopefully) gone. god, had murphy really gone as far as sleeping in bellamy’s parking lot just because they were supposedly soulmates?

thinking about it some more, bellamy decided to confront murphy. he started towards the car again and tapped on the window until murphy woke up. murphy’s eyes opened slowly and then he sat up. he hesitated, and then he unlocked the car doors and got out.

“yes?” he said, trying to maintain his cool demeanor despite the situation.

“i get that you think the soulmate thing is real, but that does not mean you can start stalking me.”

“wha-” murphy started, then realized where he was.

“god, murphy. go home,” bellamy snapped.


	7. seven.

_ ouch _ . he’d seen it coming, but that didn’t mean it hurt any less. all murphy wanted now was to not be here. after a few seconds that felt like eternity, bellamy finally walked away. murphy quickly got into his car and drove away, to the library.

he’d thought maybe him and bellamy could’ve been friends after the banter last night, but now he knew that was definitely not the case. he would’ve never chosen that lot if he had known what the morning would bring.

he made his way to a deserted part of the library and sat on the floor near some books. he buried his face in his hands and just quietly cried. he was so tired of living like this, living at all. he’d contemplated it multiple times, but something always stopped him. he had made a dumb promise to himself when he was fourteen that he wouldn’t do it before he turned twenty. he’d give himself a chance to make things better for himself.

he was exactly two weeks away from his twentieth birthday.


	8. eight.

bellamy had gone back to his car after murphy had driven away. he had a huge paper due in a week, and the only place he knew he could work quietly in was the library. however, when he had gone to the section he needed, he heard faint crying. he was slightly annoyed because he had come here for silence, but decided to go see if whoever it was was okay.

bellamy turned the corner and saw murphy. he silently cursed himself for coming over. but he realized murphy wasn’t looking up at all, which meant he could just walk away as if he’d seen nothing. he couldn’t bring himself to leave. bellamy was unsure of what to do, but decided on joining him on the floor.

“hey, uh, you okay?” bellamy said, making himself known.

murphy stood up. “what the hell do you want?” he hissed, wiping his eyes.

“i just-”

“you just what? thought it’d be fun to follow me so that you could  _ continue _ antagonizing me?” murphy snapped at him. “this may be news to you, but it’s  _ not _ . leave me the  _ fuck _ alone.” he started walking away.

bellamy jumped up. “murphy, wait.” realizing the other boy wasn’t going to stop, he ran to catch up to murphy. bellamy called out for him again.

“ _ what _ ?” murphy finally said, spinning around.


	9. nine.

“i didn’t follow you. but i heard you, you know, and wanted to see if you were okay. so are you okay?” bellamy asked.

murphy so badly wanted someone to talk to, but he knew this was just a courtesy thing. this was not an invitation to unload on bellamy. “yeah, i’m fine,” he said simply, wiping away the last of his tears. he got into his car and tried to turn it on. it wouldn’t start. he tried over and over again, but it would not start.

murphy felt himself about to burst into tears yet again. he depended on his car for everything. if he didn’t move it from the library parking lot by tonight, it would be towed. he wouldn’t be able to afford the fee to get it back. bellamy tapped on the window. murphy got out of the car, trying his best to maintain his composure.

“you need a ride home or something?” bellamy offered. murphy shook his head no, biting his quivering lip. “you need me to call a tow truck?” he then asked. he was met with another no. “murphy, are you sure you’re fine?” bellamy questioned.

murphy stared at the ground, not answering, but the tears streaming down his face said enough to bellamy. he pulled out his phone and dialed. “raven? remember that favor you owe me?” he told her what murphy’s car looked like and the license plate. “it’s in the library parking lot.” he hung up and looked at murphy. “and  _ you _ ,” he said,“are coming with me.”

murphy didn’t argue this time. he followed bellamy to his car. murphy stared out of the window as they drove in silence.


	10. ten.

bellamy had caught on to what was going on, and immediately felt bad for what he had said that morning, he didn’t say anything about it, though. the two got out once bellamy had parked. bellamy gestured for murphy to follow him and led him up to the apartment.

“you can shower, if you want,” bellamy said softly. he showed murphy to the bathroom connected to his bedroom. murphy was slightly embarrassed over the whole thing, but wasn’t going to pass an opportunity to shower in peace. murphy closed the door, and bellamy layed out some of his clothes from murphy before going to the kitchen. he wasn’t a great cook, but he knew how to follow a simple recipe.

about twenty minutes later, murphy appeared in the kitchen. he was wearing the black sweats and white t-shirt bellamy had left out for him. bell only stared for a couple seconds, but that was enough to make murphy comment. “like what you see, blake?” he said with a laugh.

bellamy glared at him. “i’ve told you before. i’m. not. gay.”

“alright, whatever you say.”

bellamy rolled his eyes and pushed a plate towards murphy. murphy looked down at the food. bellamy had made french toasts, eggs, and bacon. he then looked up at bellamy. “thank you,” he said quietly.

bellamy grabbed his own plate and led murphy to the couch. when bellamy was done eating, his phone rang. “i’ll be right back,” he told murphy. he answered the call in his room. it was his sister, octavia, calling to say she was about to board her plane to las angeles. octavia had received a modeling contract and was going out there for a couple weeks to meet with an agency. they talked for a bit, and then bellamy went back to the living room.


	11. eleven.

bellamy found murphy in the kitchen, washing both his and bellamy’s dishes. murphy finished up and turned around. bellamy was staring at him again. murphy started to speak, but bellamy cut him off. “i am not gay.” bellamy was really starting to doubt it himself, but he would never let anyone know that.

“i really don’t care if you are or aren’t. just stop making it seem like this awful thing,” murphy said, pushing past bellamy.

“murphy,” bellamy said, gently grabbing his arm as murphy went by him. “i’m sorry, okay? i didn’t realize that it seemed like a negative thing to say. i’ll stop. you wanna watch some tv in my room? the couch isn’t as comfortable.”

murphy obliged and sat at the edge of bellamy’s bed with him. a little while in, he turned so he was sitting facing bellamy on the couch. “this is kind of boring, don’t you think?”

bellamy looked at murphy. “uh, i guess?”

he moved closer to bellamy. “you can tell me to stop at any time,” murphy murmured. he started kissing bellamy, then moved lower, to bellamy’s neck. he heard a small sound escape bellamy’s lips as he formed a hickey. murphy slowly lifted bellamy’s shirt and placed kisses as he moved down. he gently slide off bellamy’s pants and started pleasuring him.

murphy smirks as bellamy emitted more sounds. murphy finally finished him off and laid next to him. “not gay, hmm?”

“shut up. i’m not,” bellamy mumbled.”you can’t tell anyone. no one can know,” he said, turning his head so he was facing murphy, suddenly filled with panic.

“it’s not like i’d have anyone to tell anyways,” murphy said, turning so he was looking back at bellamy.

“and this does  _ not _ mean the soulmate thing is right, okay?”

“soulmates, it’s all bullshit anyways. you’re just hot. speaking of,” he said, leaning closer to bellamy,“i would like to kiss you again.”


	12. twelve.

bellamy started to turn away, but stopped when murphy grabbed his hand. he looked at murphy again, giving murphy the opportunity to press his lips against bellamy’s. surprisingly, bellamy found himself kissing murphy back this time. “it’s twenty eighteen, bell. no one cares if you’re straight or gay or whatever else,” murphy whispered.

“i don’t want to be this. i spent my whole life thinking a pretty girl who was just as interested in soulmates as i am would be the one to say these goddamn words to me,” bellamy said, tracing the words on his skin. “but instead it’s you. a beautiful boy with no belief in soulmates. and  _ maybe _ with time, i’d get over the fact that you’re a boy, but you’d still have no belief in us.”

“you think i’m ‘beautiful.’” murphy smirked.

“i’m being serious, murphy. look, i want you to stay here for as long as you need to, but we can’t do this again, okay? i don’t know why the hell i let you do that.”

“because you like me,” murphy teased.


	13. thirteen.

the rest of the day was pretty uneventful for the two. they snuck glances at each other when they thought the other wasn’t looking, but both of them noticed the other boy looking at them. bellamy had told murphy to take the bedroom, and he would sleep on the couch. murphy thought that was stupid. they could just share. “it’s just sleeping,” murphy had said. “i’m pretty sure what we did earlier was more extreme than sleeping. plus earlier you said the couch isn’t as comfortable as the bed.” it took some convincing, but bellamy had caved.

murphy was asleep now, or so bellamy thought. he wrapped his arms around murphy and gently placed a kiss on his shoulder. murphy felt his own face grow warm and he involuntarily smiled. he still thought love was dumb, but he didn’t mind the warmth of bellamy against him. he didn’t mind the steady sound of bellamy breathing, he didn’t mind the kiss he had received from bellamy. he didn’t mind that bellamy thought he was beautiful. he was even kind of starting to like this stuff. but he’d never tell  _ bellamy _ that.


	14. fourteen.

one week into staying with bellamy, murphy’s car had been fixed. he felt bad because bellamy had taken care of the cost, but bellamy had told him not to worry about it. he also didn’t want murphy living in his car, so he insisted murphy continued staying with him.

two weeks into murphy staying with bellamy, murphy woke up in the middle of the night crying. it immediately caused bellamy to wake up as well. they were both sitting up now, and bellamy had pulled murphy close to him. “hey, you’re fine. just a bad dream. i’m right here.”

murphy eventually calmed down and apologized to bellamy for waking him up. he had dreamt of his parents. “murphy, it’s fine,” he said softly. “do you want to talk about it?”

murphy looked at bellamy. it would be a lot to tell someone after only knowing them for just over a day. “it’s a long story. i don’t want to keep you up.”

“i don’t have anywhere to be in the morning. i’m here if you want to talk.”

and so murphy told bellamy his life story. bellamy didn’t know what to say when murphy had stopped talking, so he just hugged him. murphy was taken by surprise, but he hugged bellamy back. murphy saw the clock behind bellamy and immediately felt bad for keeping him up at four in the morning.


	15. fifteen.

“hey, murph? can i tell you something?” bellamy said pulling away. “i think i’m gay.”

“yeah? i have something to tell you,” murphy whispered. “ _i_ _like you_. a _lot._ ”

bellamy placed his hand on murphy’s cheek and pulled him closer, kissing him. “i like you, too.”

“bellamy? can i see your right arm?” murphy quietly asked. he examined the words and traced them with his finger. _i don’t want to die alone_. he looked at his own arm. _i love you_. he looked up at bellamy. at some point bellamy would say those three words to him. at some point, those would be the last words he ever said to murphy.

“don’t ever tell me you love me.”

“murph, you know that’s not how it works. we can’t avoid it.”

“promise me you’ll never say those words to me. please,” murphy begged.

“i can’t promise that, murphy. but i can promise to be with you for as long as time allows. so, jonathan murphy,” he cringed as his full name was used,“will you officially be my boyfriend?”

murphy grinned and nodded yes. “how many people do you think can say they got a boyfriend for their birthday?” he laughed.

“murphy! why didn’t you mention your birthday before?”

“it’s just another day of the year.”

“it so is _not_. when you wake up, we’re celebrating.”

“oh, god. what did i _do_ to deserve this?”


	16. sixteen.

bellamy waited until murphy fell asleep in bellamy’s arms again, before carefully getting out of bed to plan the day. he wanted murphy to feel special today. bellamy was torn because he wasn’t completely sure whether to go all out and risk making murphy feel bad about his money, but he also wanted it to be a really good day for murphy. after some thought, he decided maybe his intent would make murphy not feel bad about a somewhat expensive birthday.

bellamy carefully slipped out of bed and made some calls. once he was done, he slipped back into bed with murphy. he slept for about three hours before waking up again to prepare breakfast for murphy. he was almost done when he heard murphy.

“bellamy?” murphy sleepily called out.

“i'll be there in a minute,” he answered as he turned the stove off. he brought their plates into the bedroom and sat down next to murphy. “happy birthday, murph,” bellamy said, gently kissing murphy.

“you didn't have to do this...” murphy said quietly.

“you're right, but i _wanted_ to do this,” bellamy responded, starting to eat. the two of them talked while they ate, and finished about ten minutes later. bellamy took care of the dishes while murphy showered.

bellamy then sat on his bed and scrolled through social media as he waited for murphy. a couple minutes later, murphy emerged from the bathroom wearing just a towel. bellamy couldn't help but stare as murphy made his way across the room.

“like what you see, blake?” he said as he got dressed. murphy had used the same line the first day he had been here. bellamy rolled his eyes and threw a pillow at murphy. “i can't believe you'd do that to me,” murphy said, pretending to be hurt.

bellamy rolled his eyes again and held his arms out. “come here, you big baby.”

“i don't think i can trust you after that,” murphy said, trying to stay serious.

bellamy stood up and wrapped his arms around murphy. he hugged him tightly and then whispered in his ear. “i don't think you'll trust me after _this,_ ” bellamy said as he pulled murphy over to the bed and gently pushed him down. he then proceeded to tickle murphy.

“bellamy!” he yelled, bursting into laughter. “stop!” but bellamy was merciless, at least for a minute. he loved the sound of murphy laughing. murphy playfully hit bellamy once he had stopped. “i hate you,” he said, still laughing.

“mmm, i don't think you do,” bellamy teased, laying down next to his boyfriend and kissing him.

“i could stay like this all day,” murphy murmured.

“on any other day, i would agree with you, but we have places to be tonight, baby boy,” bellamy said. “but you know... in the meantime, we could do something else,” bellamy said with a wink.

murphy immediately started kissing bellamy, pulling himself on top of bell. bellamy asserted dominance and rolled so that he was on top of murphy. “it's your birthday. let me handle this,” he whispered to murphy. bellamy moved slowly, from murphy's lips to his neck, then removing his clothes to go further down. after his chest and stomach, bellamy kissed murphy's thighs, then started including his hand. bellamy used his hand for a while, then let his mouth do the work. he heard his name multiple times from murphy, and didn't stop until murphy had finished.

“happy birthday, baby boy,” bellamy said quietly, laying next to murphy again. “dinner reservation is at seven.”


End file.
